Great Lectures and Conferences - BACKPOST

Deconstructing ideas hardly sounds like a productive endeavor, but I would argue that especially in a college environment it is critical. Weber imagines human beings to be suspended in a web of meaning as if a spider, except some of the meanings are not spun by ourselves. Colleges are a peculiar locus of meaning-making, because ideas are typically considered and shared in much higher frequency (with notable exceptions). Starting from the assumption that a personally fulfilling--and mind you, not necessarily successful, for that is a socially defined state of achievement--life has consistency as one of its criteria, it seems that deconstructing some of the webs that are incongruous with our actual desired way of living is a productive endeavor.

Recently, This Dust of Words was screened on campus. It's a poetically filmed documentary of Elizabeth Wiltsee, which follows the life of a Stanford graduate who gradually succumbs to what is assumed to be mental illness as she pursues a life she believes is most fulfilling. Her intellect is profound, having mastered Greek at a young age and learned classical Chinese along her way. After the screening, I randomly met my friend Belinda as she discussed the poignancy of Liz's life. She later sent me this article. I'm not sure I entirely agree with this article, but its harrowing vision of those who "have many achievements but little experience, great success but no vision" is one that leads me to reflect on my Stanford undergraduate career. The screening blends mercilessly with the article, offering a vision of a vulnerable, free-spirited, and "unsuccessful" life that contrasts almost scathingly with brilliance, potential, and competence.

When I attended the Stanford Service Summit over the weekend, I was surprised by the ideologically charged atmosphere in the Social Entrepreneurship forum. It was so reminiscent of the AlwaysOn conference that I attended last summer. So many of the students had their own projects, and were shaking hands and smiling and buzzing around to no end, trying to garner attention and support for their projects. Tolnay's veritable injunction to "be a starter and entrepreneur" rather than a follower was a startling one, but to my fascination, devoured by a good number of those around me. Stanford ought to be a university of leaders, not followers. A quote that sticks in my mind: "if you want something done, find a busy person to do it."

Taking two flights of stairs up to the Education themed forum, I was startled by the contrast, the suggestion that too many students were eager to achieve--to find reputation in "doing" things first.

On the other hand, these voices are probably not the majority at Stanford. Two days later, I met with a professor who tried to convince me to return to pre-med. Teaching is not challenging enough, in fact, it was "fu*king boring" (verbatim, but somewhat in jest). Doctors could do more in life and do more for society (I quote). You HumBio people should be able to guess who :).

In introducing ourselves in class, I was asked what I do right after my name was introduced. At a TFA recruiting meeting, I was asked to introduce what I did even before my name was introduced (or I was asked to introduce my name). When I say I took two quarters to be in China, I'm fascinated by the more sudden and snappy question that inevitably arises: "what were you doing?" I once joked that I needed to spend time at home reflecting on my life and just spending time with family. Why is it that I saw *relief* in my friend's face?

Why is it that I can feel so uncomfortable when I'm not "doing" anything. Why is it that my contentment is contingent upon my abilities; that my name is followed inevitably by what I do? Why is it that I tend toward accosting others with the question "what are you doing/doing next/up to?" rather than my favorite "how are you?"

Now... I see myself as an activist (total sidenote--I'm so frustrated by the fact that the "activist mailing list" at Stanford seems only to allow for raging democrats who must fully support queer rights... why is there a hegemony on who is an activist? The so called bigot can be an activist just as well). Armchair philosophy never did any good. But perhaps it's time to deconstruct the idea of being productive. Our "doing" oriented lives must be grounded in some greater meaning. Doing is a means, not an end.

To return to my preface... I wonder if I am living consistently. Do I actually like to be engaged in doing things all the time? Or perhaps I just don't want to stare into what Augustine deemed "homo abisus" and Nietzsche termed the "abyss." So we toil away...

My spring quarter is an experiment in forcing myself to remain at fewer than 50 hours of work per week. Let's see how things unfold.